For the past few days I’ve been in a funk. I’ve been in a certain mood, my research mood was on. Researching my older obsessions, occult, religions, human behaviors and a need to a higher power and of course magic.
Since I was a little girl, my interest and the topics that captured my full attention have always been strange. According to my parents, I was a special bright child. My teachers were parted into two teams: a team that thought I was stupid, daydreamer, unlikely to succeed. Another team thought I had special talents, bright interesting mind and way of thinking and a game changer. Some called me creative other called me dump.
I discovered it’s always up to me how I use my intelligence and how to make people think about me according to their own beliefs was something else entirely.
But in all honesty, the moment I decided to embrace my strangeness was the best decision I’ve ever made. I no longer wanted to hide what I think and feel and of course I no longer wanted to ignore my gifts and skills.
Years ago, my dream was to be a historian, to study the things I’m obsessed with and write novels and theories about them. No one thought what I picked was cool, not my teachers, friends or family. So I changed and changed and changed my decisions. Nothing completely fit.
Now that I write here and elsewhere (journals and such) I feel that my hobby can actually affect my life and my writing and in away making me stir my life boat to its original path.
You see, the history of religion fascinates me… I’m not really sure why, but it does. It helps also that I have the strangest dreams and visions sleeping and reading that I can’t locate since I was a kid… I research the term, place or person and I feel shocked when I discover that that person or place or object is real.
Dead languages, strange behaviors and superstitions are also very fascinating to me… the thing is, after returning to a draft research I’ve left for years, my theories and studies have grown so rabidly in the past few days that I can’t sleep. My discoveries are terrifying me and they are enchanting me to continue. My dreams are turning into a collection of nightmares making me twist and turn in bed until I wake up. When I do, I can’t concentrate on anything else.
Every time I stop and think: “Boy! That’s enough, I’ll go nuts if I continue.” I pause and then the thoughts stew in my mind and I return more hyper than ever. I feel I’m this close to uncovering a huge historical contemporary something.
Maybe my research will make a great novel. I already can imagine the outline of the events and characters. So many maybes, but I’m certain I’m into something huge.
I wish I could find a special collection, manuscripts and books that I can read to expand my research, libraries are scarce here and what I want to read or buy isn’t available. It will only be available in private collections. Another thing I need is learning French and Latin. Manuscripts in the subjects I like are usually written in them. Of course there are rare Arabic books but I’m not sure where they are exhibited.
The internet is good, but not what I need because usually it reflects a person’s own views not the truth and it’s not always accurate.
My dear readers, keep on reading, I might shock you soon!