The last few days I spent in Amman were filled with quick packing, rash decisions, and just a consuming sense of losing control over my life. It felt like I’m moving forward whither I wanted to or not. Regardless of my conscious decision, the idea of me not living in Amman didn’t sync in until now.
It’s Friday in Kuwait. It’s my first week since I left home and left all that was familiar and friendly. My family, my house, my room, my friends, my career, the bookshops, my favorite salon, now it all seems foreign and strange.
My husband is great, but what I lost seems to expand everyday. Most girls marry and move from their neighborhood, they keep their sense of normalcy in all categories. But I left everything and I feel naked, completely out of my comfort zone.
I looked at my empty room, the few bags and boxes that contained my life, the now empty walls of my room, and I cried. It was truly an end. To start over is hard. New beginnings are really hard. I didn’t sleep well that night.
I still wake up expecting to find my books, room and posters, to open my wardrobe and decide on my outfit, to drink tea with mama, to just do my normal routine. When I wake up I feel disoriented and sad. I miss home, I miss Amman so much that I can’t breathe.
By and by I find new things in my new life that I like, but I found out that I prefer my normal routine, that all these changes are causing me anxiety. But I’m trying to embrace the new life I chose, or the one that God chose for me. Wish me luck and happiness, it’s a new start.