The Last Long Night

The last few days I spent in Amman were filled with quick packing, rash decisions, and just a consuming sense of losing control over my life. It felt like I’m moving forward whither I wanted to or not. Regardless of my conscious decision, the idea of me not living in Amman didn’t sync in until now.

It’s Friday in Kuwait. It’s my first week since I left home and left all that was familiar and friendly. My family, my house, my room, my friends, my career, the bookshops, my favorite salon, now it all seems foreign and strange.

My husband is great, but what I lost seems to expand everyday. Most girls marry and move from their neighborhood, they keep their sense of normalcy in all categories. But I left everything and I feel naked, completely out of my comfort zone.

I looked at my empty room, the few bags and boxes that contained my life, the now empty walls of my room, and I cried. It was truly an end. To start over is hard. New beginnings are really hard. I didn’t sleep well that night.

I still wake up expecting to find my books, room and posters, to open my wardrobe and decide on my outfit, to drink tea with mama, to just do my normal routine. When I wake up I feel disoriented and sad. I miss home, I miss Amman so much that I can’t breathe.

By and by I find new things in my new life that I like, but I found out that I prefer my normal routine, that all these changes are causing me anxiety. But I’m trying to embrace the new life I chose, or the one that God chose for me. Wish me luck and happiness, it’s a new start.

2JC

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5 thoughts on “The Last Long Night

  1. Whoa Dana…. you moved from Amman?? I had no idea….. That must have been a total shock and disoriented feeling for you in having to deal with a new place. I can relate a little with what you are saying. While it is not the same as moving to another city or state, I have recently had to endure a major change as well; moving from our family home for nearly 20 years and into an apartment. It was such a huge change for me. For a whole month after our move, I felt very empty inside; like a part of my soul was left behind in our old house, where I practically grew up my whole life. I missed my familiar room, where I had my chest (stacked with my books) and my closet (stacked with more of my books!) and I missed just seeing that which was familiar to me there. I missed my favorite view out of my bedroom window, and could see the sun rise every morning that the sky was clear. I miss our old attic, where we kept our special things and where I could escape and be on my computer and listen to my music when I felt sad or down. It was right over my bedroom, so the view was even better. But most of all, a lot of my memories are still there and I think I miss those the most. Had some good times in that old house and as nice as our apartment is now, it’s not the same as where I grew up. And I’m going to admit this and I don’t care who sees it or what they think of me as I don’t mind sharing as we are friends. My first few nights in our apartment, I cried, I really cried. The room was strange as my bed was in a different position, the window was in a different spot, and a lot of my familiar things were simply not there any more. And I remember laying there my first night, thinking that our old house was empty now and no one was there to occupy it, to take care of it. That’s what brought the tears on. Despite what people said to me that, “it’s just a house”, I wanted to say, “no, it was more than that. It was like family.” Strange as that may sound, I truly believe that, I really do and still do.

    But anyway, I just wanted to say that’s it’s okay for you to feel sad or confused. Change is not easy all the time. And it’s okay to feel anxious. Take it from someone who spent a good part of his life being anxious. Sometimes life throws us these challenges and a lot of people just expect us to “go with the flow” or to just be able to “adjust and embrace change” and other clichéd phrases, but in truth, sometimes it’s best just to grieve. And that’s okay.
    I cannot imagine what you have been through when you moved from Amman Dana, from your familiar surroundings. It must have been very heartbreaking and scary. But no matter how scary or difficult it gets, Amman is still with you. You carry it in your heart just like I carry my memories of my old living space with me. God will always be with you and He will help you through. And as your friend, you always have me to support you in prayer and on your blog. That perhaps will give you some familiarity. 🙂

    I hope you feel better. Good luck Dana. You are in my prayers!

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    • I’ve been waiting so I might write something a bit cheerful but it’s not working. I know that I’m a “bride” and I should behave in a certain manner, you know, I should be excited and super happy but I feel sad, lost and horribly empty. I miss home terribly that I can’t enjoy the moment I’m in.

      What you wrote, every word of it, touched me to the core that I read it about 7 times and cried. Yes, you summed it up, I feel all that and a bit more. Kuwait isn’t home, and so far I don’t feel anything positive about it (maybe just the sea) I’m giving my husband a hard time, I guess that’s another thing, I’m not sure how to be married… I think I’m doing something wrong, or maybe I’m still too wild to be tied down. I don’t know.

      I just feel so unlike myself. Maybe all I need is time to adjust to my new life. Hopefully. In the meantime, I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for being who you are.

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      • It’s okay to cry. Believe me, I was crying a little too after reading your post here, as I too share a loss. I admit that at night, I don’t always sleep well because even though our new home is nice, it’s still not MY home; not our old house. I can’t live in a place for nearly 20 years and just forget about it, hahaha… Perhaps I am too sentimental but I think I just plain miss my old home. Even though we no longer live in it, I don’t wish for anything to happen to it. I still have dreams about it. I don’t tell my family this as I don’t wish for them to feel sorry for me, but even after being in our new place almost 2 years, it’s still difficult. And I can plainly say that I loved our old house.
        Sometimes adjusting to new changes in life can seem difficult, even impossible at times. And because we are emotional beings, we’re never quite sure how to respond, or even if we should respond at all. It’s an emptiness that can’t be described. I’m not even sure what to call it; a void? But two things keep me going Dana, no matter what challenges I face: My faith in God and the support of my friends. Knowing that I have that, I can overcome challenges I didn’t think I ever could overcome, like one I am dealing with now…
        I will also keep you in my prayers and know that you have my support. You can make it. We both miss our homes but we can make it. 🙂

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  2. Places and things have a magical power over us, don’t they? Or is it us humans that humanize everything around us? I’m not sure. But things do matter, feeling the word “home” in a certain place or being is real and we actually need that to feel safe and happy. You might’ve lost a huge chunk of your safety by losing your home and your room, but maybe God is intending better things for you, maybe a new start, or a new place? If we live and die the same way, in the same place with the same people, I don’t think it’s called “living” at all. Living is chaotic, and random and surprising, it’s both the beauty and tragedy of life. right?

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    • So true. I was thinking just recently that life itself is full of surprises, random happenings, quirks, trials, tricks and just plain unpredictability. If every day were to be the same and if we were to be exactly the same the day we die, it would be a pretty dull and boring life. God never intended for us to be robots, “programmed” to be just one way and live just one way. With each new day and each new experience, it gives us a chance to grow and become even better people. I think it’s these changes that makes us who we are.
      In the past two years, I think I’ve grown a lot and hope to continue to grow in the years to come. I believe that God did have better things in store for me and my family after our move. Though I loved my home, it was not in the safest of neighborhoods. We have more security and protection where we are now.
      But yeah, I think that places and things that are special to us do have that “magical hold” on us. I’m not sure about us humanizing everything around us either. It’s like that old question of which came first, the chicken or the egg. But I do know that by believing in ourselves and those around us, we can achieve many things that we thought not possible and that’s what truly makes us special.

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